Horizontal and Vertical Adjustments

So much for my resolve to post more regularly.  It's allergy season and I'm starting to feel as bad as I did this time last year.  To top it all off, I decided to get proactive and get allergy tested.  I've lived in Virginia for almost six years and haven't gotten the specifics of what sets me off other than oak.

I'm off my allergy meds, sitting at work, wishing I was any place else.  Preferably asleep. The irony?  I couldn't actually sleep if my life depended on it.

AND, I'm breaking out in spots.

I AM UNAMUSED!

I know that Lupus is requiring a different mind set from me.  I'll be honest.  I'm having trouble adjusting. I feel like I'm a bad picture on a television screen. Out of focus and out of whack.  Part of me wants to look as bad as I feel, while the vain peacock in me reigns that in.

I'm grateful for the small things.  My sense of humor, my friends, the fact that I can still work.  I'm grateful that I can string my thoughts together for a good whinge.

I'm working on focusing the picture of my life.  Coming to terms that the new picture will be nothing like the old one.

That's going to take a while to reconcile.

I Need A Gun

Maybe that is too bold of a statement.  But in my fantasy, I could shoot myself and put myself out of my misery, then be back when I'm pain free! (I know, totally unrealistic. Who said fantasies were anywhere near reality?)

I'm back to being achy, headachy and miserable.  Really, I think a bullet might solve the issue.

No, I'm not suicidal, I'm just hurting.  I'd want it to be a Groundhog day experience with the ability to control what I got to re-experience.  But, as we all know, it just doesn't work that way. sigh

I can't get back in to see the rheumatologist until Thanksgiving week.  My family is not getting the whole I'm tired, sore, and achy leave me alone thing. And I still have to get up every day and go to work.

I was doing okay for a while the achiness was marginal, just a twinge or so here and there. Now it's back to the 'I feel like I've been beaten by a spiked bat'.  I'm not sleeping well. I can't get comfortable, I toss and turn, waking myself up.  I just don't know what to do.

The last thing I can do is get stressed out about it, but I'm finding it to be a vicious circle.

I'm just going to do my best to just breathe.  Relax, the best I can.  And pray for relief.

And if all fails, find a Nerf Gun and go to town!

Hamsters for Free

The hamsters that keep my brain engaged are running amok.  Seriously.  They are not paying attention to my need to sleep.  Instead, when I close my eyes and work on clearing my brain to allow me to sleep, the hamsters are busy stuffing more things on the stage that is my mind's eye. 

Running, Running, Running

I just want to sleep.  Sleep without dreaming, thinking, worrying about some weird obscure detail from work, or apparently visiting places without the benefit of a passport stamp.

Those hamsters are speedy little devils, they are producing more than I can clear away in my mind at any given moment.  Just when I think that I have a clear mind, I can hear the next load get ready to dump.  I have no recourse, no where to shunt it off to.  

I do not function well on 4 hours of sleep.  People do not fair well around me, when I need sleep.

Anyone want some hamsters?  

Sleep Deprived

I can't remember the last time I slept the night through.  Seriously.  I'm waking up 2-4 hours into my nights rest or a couple of hours before my alarm clock.

Click! My brain turns on and I can't make it go back to sleep.  It has been this way for years.  As I'm researching, I'm finding that I'm not the only one with this problem. (At least the lack of sleep part.  I don't know if everyone is experiencing the active brain part.)

I do know that this turns into a vicious cycle.  Lack of sleep>Runs down any body and mind defenses>Body rebels> Mind rebels> Everything gets sick> Down for a couple of days or weeks> Recovery (kinda, at least can function again). Lather, Rinse, Repeat.

My reality doesn't let me have much down time - physically or mentally.  Yes, I know that I have to make it for both.  I'm working on rearranging my life to accommodated this new set of restraints.  But when you are a Type-A personality who has a hard time NOT forging ahead....

Yep, I need some sleep, just to survive my inner battle with myself.  I'll let you know who wins.

Some Days You're Up...

Some days you're down.

So today is a not so good day.  The last couple of nights I've not slept very well.  The brain wouldn't shut down, so it kept circling around the strangest of things.

I'm tired, sore, headachey, really wanting a nap.  The day isn't even over and I have to much too do.  Sigh.

The good news is that the vicious over all body ache I was suffering from seems to have abated.  That really was a drag after the first week.  After 6 months of it, well, sleeping on a bed of nails would have been a nice distraction.

Sleep is an Elusive Dream

For the last year, my sleep pattern has degraded.  Now that things are coming into focus I can see a pattern, but it's been harder and harder for me to get a full nights sleep.  

Trust me, if I don't get my minimum required amount of sleep... it ain't pretty.  

Part of the problem is that I sleep on my side.  Which puts pressure on my joints.  Which doesn't let me sleep in one position for very long.  I sleep lightly anyway, so when I end up flipping my self over I wake up enough to disrupt my sleep patterns.  

All of this turns on my brain which never really turns off anyway.  Then I spiral into a vortex of thoughts about any given project I'm working on and the night is shot.

Did I mention that life is not worth living for those around me if I haven't gotten my minimum amount of sleep?