February - See Ya!

This month as passed way to fast.

I apologized for the lack of posting this month.  Februaries are never a good month for me at the best of times.  Between the evil pseudo holiday of Valentine's day and the anniversary of my father's passing, I had a lot to ponder this month.

Oh, and one of the many bugs out in the world, got me.

I spent the last weekend of February sleeping off a nasty virus.  Frankly I could still take a couple of power naps. Alas, I must earn a paycheck.

I have learned several valuable lessons this month.

1. Don't run faster than I have the strength too.  I have a bad habit of going to fast, doing to much and not listening to my inner warning alarms that tell me I need a break.  This month as certainly been a reminder.
2. My experience, while unique, is not something I have to go through alone. Having a good support system in place is invaluable to keeping sanity.
3. A day without laughter is a sad day indeed.  No matter how bad things seem, humor and hope go hand in hand in dealing with any experience.
4. Adventures in new food can be interesting. If my mother offers me chicken one more time, conveniently forgetting my vegetable-base lifestyle, I may not be responsible for my actions! :)  I'm becoming acquainted with the varied uses of tofu.  Who knew I'd like it.

I've got a lot of good things happening.  I just have to remember to breathe through the entire process.

Christmas Celebration

This Christmas has been a weird mixture of celebration and reticence.

Christmas is the time where people have been know to test the limits of my patience and endurance.  For the longest time I had no idea why.  Maybe, I was going crazy. Maybe, I was just plain cranky. Maybe, I was just a witch.

The relief I felt when I had an explanation given to me in September was a pure relief. I was none of the above.  Simply put - I was sick.

Having a parameter to work within suddenly made my ability to enjoy the holidays much more attainable.

This brings me to this merriest of days.  Instead of reading my mother's mind, holiday preparation became more of a team effort.  I could say 'no' and not feel guilty, picking and choosing what was important to me.  Making the interactions I chose that more valuable and remarkable to me.

Today, we had a ton of people over.  Kids running amok. A small dog like creature who was finally put into place by my very cranky cat. And my very happy pit bull who was the happiest of social butterflies.  Giving as much love as he received.  When the noise levels reached super sonic levels, I just found a quiet corner for a little bit.  Others gravitated with me seeking the same quiet.

Not that I don't have special memories of past Christmas's, but today is special to me because I could understand what my needs were and address them.

When the hoards left happy and full, the silence that filled the house was deafening yet comforting. The cessation of noise flung my already simmering head into a full blown migraine.

So, with the help of modern medicine, I settled in for a long winter nap.

Yes, the holidays are manageable.  With planning, perseverance and chutzpah.

Merry Christmas everyone!

Keep Going!

The thing about Lupus is that the person who has is has a choice.  1: circle the wagons and wallow in their own mire of poor pity me, or 2: reach out and find people who are also going through it and fight through it together.

I found a quote this weekend by Winston Churchill this weekend that I thought was apropo to a Lupus flare:

If you're going through hell, KEEP GOING! 

I don't have to be doing this alone.  While our individual journeys are unique, we can draw strength and inspiration from each other.  Making it easier to go through the early stages of diagnosis, a flare or just the day to day living of this disease.

It's easy to sit mired in my own head, never seeking out support or friends that could help me.  There is a whole wide world out there of people facing similar fears.  Fear is so much easier to handle when you deal with it together.

Defined by my Substance

'Death is at your door step and it will steal your innocence, but it will not steal your substance.'

 Mumford & Sons - Timshel

As I work through everything in my head (there is a lot of stuff in my head), I can't help but think about the frailties and limits of this life.  But at the same time, I'm in complete awe of the human will to move forward and survive.

All this sounds really contemplative.  What I'm really saying is that I want to be defined by my choices and the people who I know and who know me along my journey.  Whether I'm feeling good or bad, I really believe it will be how I handle my now that will ultimately define me.  

I don't want my substance to be stolen.  I want to be strengthened as I move forward in my moments of adversity.

In Comparison

Somebody is always going to have it better or worse than me. That is just the way it is.  I think that how one handles the travails of life is the indicator of the person you truly are.

That being said, I'm not above the occasional whinge or the (hopefully) more common huzzah!  But I've learned not to compare.  If I compare my aches and pains, my haves and have nots, I would find myself in an endless cycle that would suck me into a bottomless pit of despair.

So I choose to focus on the now.  If I hurt - okay.  I acknowledge and move on.  If I'm happy - I celebrate.

I had a friend ask me after I first received my diagnosis, 'what would happen if I did nothing?' I realized I was more than a little offended by the question.  I know that she really didn't mean the question to be offensive and she doesn't understand the disease or the situation. But in my mind, you never roll over and do 'nothing' if options are available.

I have plenty of options.  I'm not saying that my path will be easy or pain free, but 'in comparison' to those who choose to roll over and be dead before they truly die, my world is so much better and vibrant than theirs.