Principles in Food

Starting last Sunday, I decided to make a shift in my eating pattern.

A shift I have been pondering, pondering very hard (kinda the way I think of exercise), for the last year.

I have shifted to a more vegetarian lifestyle. I've been doing this more and more over the last year. But I made the commitment yesterday.

Research shows that a more plant based diet helps with the inflammation issues in Lupus. Although I will need to avoid alfalfa (though I don't eat alfalfa on a regular basis) because there are properties in it that can trigger lupus flares.  Which would be one on of the reasons to restrict any product that might have ingested alfalfa. (so long anything that moo'd or bleet'd).  There is nothing that says I can't enjoy anything that swims. :)

My choice is guided by the following principles:

And again, verily I say unto you, all wholesome herbs God hath ordained for the constitution, nature, and use of man—

Every herb in the season thereof, and every fruit in the season thereof; all these to be used with prudence and thanksgiving.

Yea, flesh also of beasts and of the fowls of the air, I, the Lord, have ordained for the use of man with thanksgiving; nevertheless they are to be used sparingly;

And it is pleasing unto me that they should not be used, only in times of winter, or of cold, or famine.

All grain is ordained for the use of man and of beasts, to be the staff of life, not only for man but for the beasts of the field, and the fowls of heaven, and all wild animals that run or creep on the earth;

And these hath God made for the use of man only in times of famine and excess of hunger.

All grain is good for the food of man; as also the fruit of the vine; that which yieldeth fruit, whether in the ground or above the ground— (D&C 89)

Lupus was not something I chosen to have in my life. I'm still struggling with how to cope with it. I need to be smart and sensible about my choices.  I can work to make my body as healthy as possible.

I choose to give my body a fighting chance. That includes the food I eat, utilizing my faith, and not beating myself up to badly over the course of this life long experience.

Tis the Season...

So the Holiday season has descended with full force and gusto.  People are humming the incessant Holiday jingles that pervade every public outlet in the land.

I'll be honest, I like a quiet holiday season.  When I want the holiday music, I'll listen to it.  When I want to listen to it.  Please don't think me a Scrooge.  My holiday shopping is done. I have a few gifts to finishing sewing, then stuff in the mail.  We are getting the house decorated.  But, I'm low key.

One of the things I started last year, before I received my Lupus diagnosis, was to say 'no' to events that I didn't want to go to.  Yes, this is a very social season, but when you are dealing with exhaustion non-stop socializing is like having a broken alternator in your car.  The battery gets drained and never recharges.

With the changes I've implemented in my diet, exercise and medication, I'm feeling a lot better.  That being said, I know that I still can't overextend myself.  My alternator is still faulty and needs to be replaced.  I just need to be aware of my limitations.

This season is a reminder to be Grateful, Compassionate and Hopeful.  These are the attributes that will get me through the times when I'm not feeling the best.

As I face this holiday season, I promise to embrace the spirit of the season now and through out the coming year.  To give thanks for my blessings, share Goodwill with all and share of myself.

My Dazzling Hire Wire Act

To be honest, I'm feeling a bit like a performer of a high wire act.  Everyone is oooing and ahhing over the performance of the bravery it takes to walk the wire, but no one really wants know what it takes to learn how to do it.

I've got really good friends that let me babble out my frustrations.  I can't begin to express how priceless that is.  They are my team that helps prep the equipment and costumes. Making sure everything is safety checked, all the sequins and sparkly doo-dads are in place.  More importantly, they are there with my safety net in case of catastrophic failure.

The ironic thing is that while I'm getting use to all the things that Lupus means, I'm experiencing this amazing creative renaissance.  I feel compelled to document my journey.  Write my stories.  Essentially run my various races as I can.  I know that I'm limited, but I'm working within those limits.  

If I find my way blocked, I'll find another way over, under, around or through.  There is always numerous ways to get the job done.

As I walk the wire, placing one foot in front of the others, dazzling the crowd with my balance and grace.  I know that I have a safety net for which I'm very grateful for.

Defined by my Substance

'Death is at your door step and it will steal your innocence, but it will not steal your substance.'

 Mumford & Sons - Timshel

As I work through everything in my head (there is a lot of stuff in my head), I can't help but think about the frailties and limits of this life.  But at the same time, I'm in complete awe of the human will to move forward and survive.

All this sounds really contemplative.  What I'm really saying is that I want to be defined by my choices and the people who I know and who know me along my journey.  Whether I'm feeling good or bad, I really believe it will be how I handle my now that will ultimately define me.  

I don't want my substance to be stolen.  I want to be strengthened as I move forward in my moments of adversity.

Optimum Speed for Our Circumstances

Saturday was a general conference for my religion.  Where leaders address members globally with words of wisdom and edification.  This is a two day televised event.  Open to the public.

I only mention it, because of something that Dieter Uctdorf said.  'We would do well to proceed at the optimum speed of our circumstances.'  That simple phrase struck me profoundly.  I know that I often push myself beyond what is prudent.  Sacrificing my health and sanity in the process.

The irony is, if I were to slow down, moving within the means of my energy and my circumstances I could accomplish so much more.  I know that sounds like an oxymoron.  But it's not.  It is a signal of self acceptance and love.  Acknowledging myself.

I'm still figuring out and accepting my limits.  There are more than I'd like.  That being said, I know that I can still dream and live a full life all while dealing with my now.

Faith & God

I've never been one to cry 'Why me God?!?!?' in the face adversity or difficulty.  I firmly do not believe that God sits down an decides to afflict me with an illness, a trial or a circumstance.  I believe that God is bound by the natural laws that bind the Universe and must therefore work within that frame work.  Illness comes out of the environment, genetics, or stressors in our lives.  Most things we view as trials are the result of choices we have made (good or poor).  Sometimes both happen due to circumstances completely out of our control because of the choices of other people.  How we live with the circumstances will be our legacy.

So I really have no patience for people who get mad at God because of their circumstances.  Please note, despite being at the beginning of my diagnosis of Lupus I've been struggling with the symptoms for quite awhile.  I've had other struggles as well.  I won't judge your struggles or your path, but I will tell you to suck it up and move forward if you start playing the poor pity me card.

You see, I firmly believe that despite the circumstance I find myself in God has not deserted me.  He has not turned his back on me and asked me to walk this path alone.  Instead, he had provided me with friends, family, doctors, nurses and other forms of support on this journey.

My job, if you will, is to reach out and open the door to this well spring of support.

God and His Son are always walking the path with us.  We have to be the ones to open our eyes to their presence.  If our eyes, minds and hearts are shut to all the opportunities of love, friendship and support available out their for us, that's on us.

I want to be able to be defined by my life, not by my illness.  So, when others cry, 'Why God? Why me?' I'm going to be living my life to the fullest extent.  Knowing that I am not alone.

Emotional vs. Intellectual

I feel jittery and compelled to get stuff done, even though I know that I'm pushing my limits.  Its almost an obsessive compulsive desire to get certain things done before I can't do them anymore.  I think in the back of my head, that is the fear I have niggling around.  That I'm going to become disabled.  Not being able to work, to provide for myself is a HUGE fear.

I don't think that I've actually acknowledged this.  What would I be if I couldn't work?  That's the rub, I'd still be me. Not more, not less, just with a different set of circumstances.  This is an intellectual realization that has to filter down to my emotional self.

That is really what this is boiling down to.  The reconciliation between my intellectual and emotional side about this disease.  Intellectually I know that ways exist to manage it and cope.  Emotionally, I want to curl up in a corner with my fingers in my ears singing lalalalalala.

I don't want to be sick.  I have shades of my father's illness, which I know has no comparison, who died from his disease.  I feel resentful that my body has crapped out on me.  A part of me is very angry.  And I have no one to blame.  That is the very essence of frustration.

So, I write.  I put form to my fears, dreams, hopes, and expectations.  Hoping this will clear out the stuff that will stymie me so that I can get on with my fight.

Ultimately, I intend to go down swinging.  Having lived a full life.  With lupus as a footnote, not having defined my life.

In Comparison

Somebody is always going to have it better or worse than me. That is just the way it is.  I think that how one handles the travails of life is the indicator of the person you truly are.

That being said, I'm not above the occasional whinge or the (hopefully) more common huzzah!  But I've learned not to compare.  If I compare my aches and pains, my haves and have nots, I would find myself in an endless cycle that would suck me into a bottomless pit of despair.

So I choose to focus on the now.  If I hurt - okay.  I acknowledge and move on.  If I'm happy - I celebrate.

I had a friend ask me after I first received my diagnosis, 'what would happen if I did nothing?' I realized I was more than a little offended by the question.  I know that she really didn't mean the question to be offensive and she doesn't understand the disease or the situation. But in my mind, you never roll over and do 'nothing' if options are available.

I have plenty of options.  I'm not saying that my path will be easy or pain free, but 'in comparison' to those who choose to roll over and be dead before they truly die, my world is so much better and vibrant than theirs.

Test Results are in...

Wow!  I didn't have to call the doctor's office.  They called me bright and early this morning with the results.  The indicators for Lupus are moderate to weak but there.  So I'm catching all this early. Which in my book is good.  But the pain indicators have risen substantially.  Go Pain!


So, we are on to the plan that Dr. S and I have discussed.  I get to try Plaquenil.  And see him in 6 weeks.  (of course being the popular man that Dr. S is, his first available appointment isn't until the week of Thanksgiving, but his office staff has put me on the cancellation list to move my appointment up.)  I also have to get an appointment with an ophthalmologist to get a baseline on my eyes. Plaquenil has several possible side effects (blurred vision, seeing light flashes/streaks/halos, missing/blacked-out areas of vision) and I want to make sure that I'm on top of this.  I like to see.


Honestly, I'm a bit numb about all of this.  This is a game changer in my life.  This resorts my priorities. 


My personal priorities haven't been bad or wrong, I just have to focus my lens.  Sharpen the vision.  Give myself the clarity.  


As I travel this Wheel called life, the one thing I know is that I'm not alone.  What ever is handed me I can take as long as I have my faith, family, and friends.