February - See Ya!

This month as passed way to fast.

I apologized for the lack of posting this month.  Februaries are never a good month for me at the best of times.  Between the evil pseudo holiday of Valentine's day and the anniversary of my father's passing, I had a lot to ponder this month.

Oh, and one of the many bugs out in the world, got me.

I spent the last weekend of February sleeping off a nasty virus.  Frankly I could still take a couple of power naps. Alas, I must earn a paycheck.

I have learned several valuable lessons this month.

1. Don't run faster than I have the strength too.  I have a bad habit of going to fast, doing to much and not listening to my inner warning alarms that tell me I need a break.  This month as certainly been a reminder.
2. My experience, while unique, is not something I have to go through alone. Having a good support system in place is invaluable to keeping sanity.
3. A day without laughter is a sad day indeed.  No matter how bad things seem, humor and hope go hand in hand in dealing with any experience.
4. Adventures in new food can be interesting. If my mother offers me chicken one more time, conveniently forgetting my vegetable-base lifestyle, I may not be responsible for my actions! :)  I'm becoming acquainted with the varied uses of tofu.  Who knew I'd like it.

I've got a lot of good things happening.  I just have to remember to breathe through the entire process.

Realizations

I had a good appointment with Dr. S this morning. My SED levels have dropped, which is good.  They are still elevated, but not like before.  It would seem that our course of action seems to be working.  The swelling around my joints has also visibly decreased. All of this is good.

None of this means I can say 'It is done!'  If anything I have to maintain my vigilance over my choices.  I may never get my levels of energy back that I had.  I'm not going to pine away wishing for lost glory. Instead, I'm going to look forward to what I can do.

We discussed my change of diet.  Dr. S thought I had made a wise decision. He seems to like the fact that I don't go half cocked on anything. I research, gather all my information then make my decisions.

I have to admit that I have been feeling better since I started the vegetarian based diet.  I'm being careful to make sure that I am eating a balanced diet.  I'm not going vegan.  I'm keeping my dairy, egg and fish options open.

I'm proceeding with caution as I manage these new waters. Spring and Summer will be the time to be vigilante for me. I've not done well in the sunshine.  I never have.

This time I can approach this summer prepared.  My life has changed, but my dreams and goals haven't.

Principles in Food

Starting last Sunday, I decided to make a shift in my eating pattern.

A shift I have been pondering, pondering very hard (kinda the way I think of exercise), for the last year.

I have shifted to a more vegetarian lifestyle. I've been doing this more and more over the last year. But I made the commitment yesterday.

Research shows that a more plant based diet helps with the inflammation issues in Lupus. Although I will need to avoid alfalfa (though I don't eat alfalfa on a regular basis) because there are properties in it that can trigger lupus flares.  Which would be one on of the reasons to restrict any product that might have ingested alfalfa. (so long anything that moo'd or bleet'd).  There is nothing that says I can't enjoy anything that swims. :)

My choice is guided by the following principles:

And again, verily I say unto you, all wholesome herbs God hath ordained for the constitution, nature, and use of man—

Every herb in the season thereof, and every fruit in the season thereof; all these to be used with prudence and thanksgiving.

Yea, flesh also of beasts and of the fowls of the air, I, the Lord, have ordained for the use of man with thanksgiving; nevertheless they are to be used sparingly;

And it is pleasing unto me that they should not be used, only in times of winter, or of cold, or famine.

All grain is ordained for the use of man and of beasts, to be the staff of life, not only for man but for the beasts of the field, and the fowls of heaven, and all wild animals that run or creep on the earth;

And these hath God made for the use of man only in times of famine and excess of hunger.

All grain is good for the food of man; as also the fruit of the vine; that which yieldeth fruit, whether in the ground or above the ground— (D&C 89)

Lupus was not something I chosen to have in my life. I'm still struggling with how to cope with it. I need to be smart and sensible about my choices.  I can work to make my body as healthy as possible.

I choose to give my body a fighting chance. That includes the food I eat, utilizing my faith, and not beating myself up to badly over the course of this life long experience.

My Minefield of Denial

I'm the first to admit I'm happily sitting smack dab in the middle of a minefield of denial.  With my fingers in my ears, singing LA-LA-LA-LA-LA at the top of my lungs.

I'm having issues with seeing how to reconcile the limits of Lupus with my job, my goals, and my dreams.  Yes, I'm grateful that I now have a label to put on the misery I've been experiencing over the last several years, but I HAVE THINGS TO DO!

A good friend reminded me last night, that I needed to throttle back and re-prioritize things. I needed to reset my level of expectations. Stop going full throttle and listen to my body.  If I didn't, my body was going to stop everything for me.

Deep down, I'm feeling a lot, and I do mean A LOT, of resentment about this.  Psychologically, my physical weakness is making me feel old.  I am not old. I'm not even past my prime.

I'm faced with a deep seated fear that I won't be able to provide for myself.  This fear is really gnawing away at me.

This leaves me sitting in the middle of my minefield of denial, with my eyes squeezed shut, babbling loudly, hoping it will all go away.

I'll let you know how this works out for me.