A Dimmed Vim

I'm starting to resent the restriction of my super powers.  Seriously. I use to be able to leap buildings in a single bound, flying around at the speed of sound AND deflecting bullets with a single glare.

Now, I'm lucky if I can get through the front door at work.  Okay.  I can  get to work and get through the day, but my vim is seriously dimmed and my vigor is that of a flat basketball.  I'm used to going full steam ahead.  I'm still trying.  But about mid afternoon I have some serious brain haze.  It's a good thing that I tend to write everything down at work or I'd never get anything done.

Supposedly the plaquenil will make a difference when it kicks in.  But that will be months from now.

So I'm hanging on the ledge of the building I couldn't quite leap over by the tips of my fingers praying for a) the strength to pull myself up OR b) a kind stranger or friend to see my predicament and pull me to safety.

It's a terrible thing when a superhero loses her vim.

I'm Annoyed

I am NOT a happy camper.  I have weird spots erupting around my body. This last week, my legs have been itching.  Like I had a bunch of ants running up and down them.  My left leg in particular.  Then, I went to Bark in the Park on Saturday (I'm involved in dog rescue so I kinda had to, but I had the hat, sunscreen etc.) and I just ended up feeling really crappy when I came home. My face a glorious fushia.

I woke up Saturday morning with a discoid blemish 1/2" wide on my upper inner thigh. Let me tell you.  That was alarming.  It was surrounded by smaller raised pink bumps.  It's not sensitive, just really ugly.

Then that afternoon, I found a raised blemish on my face.  Along my cheek bone.  I'm keeping a photo journal of the blemishes.  That way I can show my doctor when I see him next.

I'm frustrated and annoyed.

I'll get my fight back tomorrow.

Faith & God

I've never been one to cry 'Why me God?!?!?' in the face adversity or difficulty.  I firmly do not believe that God sits down an decides to afflict me with an illness, a trial or a circumstance.  I believe that God is bound by the natural laws that bind the Universe and must therefore work within that frame work.  Illness comes out of the environment, genetics, or stressors in our lives.  Most things we view as trials are the result of choices we have made (good or poor).  Sometimes both happen due to circumstances completely out of our control because of the choices of other people.  How we live with the circumstances will be our legacy.

So I really have no patience for people who get mad at God because of their circumstances.  Please note, despite being at the beginning of my diagnosis of Lupus I've been struggling with the symptoms for quite awhile.  I've had other struggles as well.  I won't judge your struggles or your path, but I will tell you to suck it up and move forward if you start playing the poor pity me card.

You see, I firmly believe that despite the circumstance I find myself in God has not deserted me.  He has not turned his back on me and asked me to walk this path alone.  Instead, he had provided me with friends, family, doctors, nurses and other forms of support on this journey.

My job, if you will, is to reach out and open the door to this well spring of support.

God and His Son are always walking the path with us.  We have to be the ones to open our eyes to their presence.  If our eyes, minds and hearts are shut to all the opportunities of love, friendship and support available out their for us, that's on us.

I want to be able to be defined by my life, not by my illness.  So, when others cry, 'Why God? Why me?' I'm going to be living my life to the fullest extent.  Knowing that I am not alone.