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Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Horizontal and Vertical Adjustments

So much for my resolve to post more regularly.  It's allergy season and I'm starting to feel as bad as I did this time last year.  To top it all off, I decided to get proactive and get allergy tested.  I've lived in Virginia for almost six years and haven't gotten the specifics of what sets me off other than oak.

I'm off my allergy meds, sitting at work, wishing I was any place else.  Preferably asleep. The irony?  I couldn't actually sleep if my life depended on it.

AND, I'm breaking out in spots.

I AM UNAMUSED!

I know that Lupus is requiring a different mind set from me.  I'll be honest.  I'm having trouble adjusting. I feel like I'm a bad picture on a television screen. Out of focus and out of whack.  Part of me wants to look as bad as I feel, while the vain peacock in me reigns that in.

I'm grateful for the small things.  My sense of humor, my friends, the fact that I can still work.  I'm grateful that I can string my thoughts together for a good whinge.

I'm working on focusing the picture of my life.  Coming to terms that the new picture will be nothing like the old one.

That's going to take a while to reconcile.

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Family Politics

On top of dealing with the vagrancies of Lupus, I also have to deal with all the issues of an older parent who is dealing with their own health issues.

Stress is on of the factors that contribute to Lupus flares and I live in a pressure cooker of stress with very little respite.  I go to work so that I can have a break. Yes, that's right. Work is less stressful than my home life.  How sad is that?

Here's an example of what I have to deal with.  Today was a general broadcast for my church. We could stay at home and listen.  Normally this is a nice break from the normal worship service.  Mom, who is hard of hearing, was having trouble with her hearing aids. This frustrates her to no end.  I can understand this.  I respect this.

She has headphones that she can use to focus the audio from the television into her hearing aids.  Of course she looks like she rocking out to something. Not enjoying a worship service.  As I try to convey they make her look cute, she takes complete offense and tells me I'm attacking her.

I don't make a big deal over the Lupus at home.  I just don't.  Mainly, because, I have to justify everything to my mother.  She wants detailed descriptions of everything, then she second guesses everything.

No, she does NOT have a medical degree.

I stand my ground and tell her that I'm not attacking her she is having none of this.  Apparently, her deafness is all about me.  That's right folks.  I have figured out a way to capitalize on the hearing impairment of my mother and make it all about me.

The moment those words crossed her lips I was flabbergasted.  FLABBERGASTED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's bad enough I have to deal with Lupus, but the insane imaginings of an aging parent is getting more than I can handle.  I'm going to have to fly the surrender flag soon and give the responsibility to the other siblings.  They will have to make up their minds on how to divide up care.  I just can't do this anymore.