Smelly Things

I'm currently the victim of chemical warfare in my office building.

A catastrophe happened over the weekend, where the kitchenette flooded. The maintenance people sucked up all the water, then put on a fan to 'dry' the carpeting.  Then today, some enterprising cleaning person decided the damp carpet looked dirty and sprayed the most noxious carpet cleaner on the floor in the middle of the work day, with the fan pointed out into the hallway spreading the fumes into the entire office space.

Yes, my head is splitting. I can't eat and I'm currently in an email battle with the dimwits at corporate facilities and the building maintenance. I haven't puked yet - only because the mere thought of food sends me into a panic so there is nothing there.

As I tried to explain to the chemically brain-rotted maintenance person, as he started to add a layer of aerosol fragrance to the already nasty chemical stew floating in the air, that he was making people in the area sick -  I was told that he felt fine and that I didn't know what I was talking about.

I felt that projectile vomiting, while it would have made my point, was beneath me.

This afternoon, the smell of the chemicals has dissipated, but the damage is done.  I know that the next couple of days may turn into a complete cluster, courtesy of the nincompoops here at work.  I can only hope that when I get into the fresh air some of the headache will go away.

If not, someone is going to pay for my missed work.  It won't come out of my vacation.

Christmas Celebration

This Christmas has been a weird mixture of celebration and reticence.

Christmas is the time where people have been know to test the limits of my patience and endurance.  For the longest time I had no idea why.  Maybe, I was going crazy. Maybe, I was just plain cranky. Maybe, I was just a witch.

The relief I felt when I had an explanation given to me in September was a pure relief. I was none of the above.  Simply put - I was sick.

Having a parameter to work within suddenly made my ability to enjoy the holidays much more attainable.

This brings me to this merriest of days.  Instead of reading my mother's mind, holiday preparation became more of a team effort.  I could say 'no' and not feel guilty, picking and choosing what was important to me.  Making the interactions I chose that more valuable and remarkable to me.

Today, we had a ton of people over.  Kids running amok. A small dog like creature who was finally put into place by my very cranky cat. And my very happy pit bull who was the happiest of social butterflies.  Giving as much love as he received.  When the noise levels reached super sonic levels, I just found a quiet corner for a little bit.  Others gravitated with me seeking the same quiet.

Not that I don't have special memories of past Christmas's, but today is special to me because I could understand what my needs were and address them.

When the hoards left happy and full, the silence that filled the house was deafening yet comforting. The cessation of noise flung my already simmering head into a full blown migraine.

So, with the help of modern medicine, I settled in for a long winter nap.

Yes, the holidays are manageable.  With planning, perseverance and chutzpah.

Merry Christmas everyone!

A Time of Cheer

I've always had a love/hate relationship with this holiday season.

I love the fundamental spirit of Christmas.  The kindness, the generosity, the spiritual fulfillment that comes from the welcoming of our Savior. If you aren't Christian, many cultures have adopted the traditions of acts of kindness and charity during this season.  Overall there is a general out pouring of positive energy that can truly bring you closer to God and make you a happier person.  I try to keep that feeling with me all year round.

What drives me insane is that I get overwhelmed by the traditions of others.  You see, I'm single in a large family with tons of fabulous nieces and nephews.  Due to circumstances, I share a house with an aging parent who doesn't acknowledge that I don't need the family chaos.  Don't get me wrong. I love my family. I love to see them over the holidays. But I don't need to spend every moment making memories with them. My personal traditions are much simpler.  Very minimalist if you will.

I treasure my quiet time.  I work full time.  I'm surrounded by people all day.  One of the greatest gifts I can receive is the gift of alone time.  To certain family members, I appear Scroogish in my needs.

As I navigate the turbulent waters of this cheerful season, I will stay true to my course.  I will honor my faith, my family and myself.

One Person's Clutter is Another's Organization

According to some, I am a clutterbug.

I refer to myself as a vertical filer.  I have vertical files where I need them, exactly where I need them.  God help the soul who decides to 'help me'.

Organization is a very subjective thing.  I tried Franklin Covey and found myself boggled by the complexity.  It took me longer to do their process than it did to actually accomplish the task.

This brings me back to my need to be left alone.  I found myself cleaning this weekend.  My inner piler was deeply offended by the process.  Don't get me wrong.  The end game was good.  But I'm still looking for things that I put in safe places.

It will take me a while for me to recover from my cleaning fit.

With my Lupus, I'm finding that a certain tweaking to my organizational skills helps me keep my stress levels down.  But I still have a lot to do to reconcile the two.

I'm going to go make a pile. I'll feel better.

Seeking Illumination

I'm trapped in what I fondly refer to as 'Office Hell' every working day. In an 'effort' to save the planet and be 'green'. My company has replaced all light bulbs with energy efficient fluorescent bulbs.  Yeah me!

I've known for years that the fluorescent bulbs has sent me over the edge when it came to my ever present headaches.  There is a flickering that I have always seen.  It doesn't seem to bother most people, but as long as I could remember, I've been sensitive to the fluorescent flicker. With my job I'm on a computer 8-10 hours a day. Some days, I give up all pretenses of looking like an adult and wear my polarized sunglasses in the office all day.  Let me tell you - it really does help. Between the monitor and the light bulbs, I should be curled up in a dark corner by the end of the day.  Believe me, I often feel like I am.

I can't get away from the fluorescent bulbs they are everywhere. Even at home, I share a home with an aging parent who insisted on changing all the lights out to CLF's to save money. This fall I changed all the bulbs in my living spaces back to full spectrum incandescents. That has made a huge difference. By the end of the day, I've reduced the eye fatigue so I can function through out the day. The lights aren't changing a funny color on me  (when my eyes got really tired in fluorescent light everything would go yellowish).  Moisturizing saline drops help work through the eye fatigue.  

I've never been a sun worshiper, I inherited my father's fair English complexion. But, I'm very aware of how light affects me.  It's like the story of Goldilocks and the Three Bears - I can't have too little or too much.  I have to have just enough light to thrive. 

So, I seek illumination on the subject of light.

And There's Progress

Tonight I had an interesting conversation with a family member who has been very resistant to my Lupus condition.  Denial would be an accurate description.  I've not made a huge issue with her, mainly because I've recognized that I can't change a person's mind. I can only make changes in my life, my perception, my reactions.

In the course of this particular conversation, not only did this family member acknowledge my Lupus, but the limitations that came along with it.

Inside my head, I was doing cartwheels and shouting 'HUZZAH!'. To the exterior observer, I was calm and collected not letting on to my inner joy.

This is a huge turning point, in our relationship. We talked openly about how Lupus was affecting me.  How the medication I was currently on was helping me, but not necessarily taking care of everything.  This was the first real, productive conversation we'd had about Lupus since September.

Will there be set backs?  Oh, guaranteed.  That is the nature of relationships.

Does this give me hope? ABSOLUTELY.

Patience is the name of the game when dealing with a circumstance that affects your entire spectrum of life.

Some Days are Like This

It's better to suck at pessimism that to suck at being an optimist!

Tis the Season...

So the Holiday season has descended with full force and gusto.  People are humming the incessant Holiday jingles that pervade every public outlet in the land.

I'll be honest, I like a quiet holiday season.  When I want the holiday music, I'll listen to it.  When I want to listen to it.  Please don't think me a Scrooge.  My holiday shopping is done. I have a few gifts to finishing sewing, then stuff in the mail.  We are getting the house decorated.  But, I'm low key.

One of the things I started last year, before I received my Lupus diagnosis, was to say 'no' to events that I didn't want to go to.  Yes, this is a very social season, but when you are dealing with exhaustion non-stop socializing is like having a broken alternator in your car.  The battery gets drained and never recharges.

With the changes I've implemented in my diet, exercise and medication, I'm feeling a lot better.  That being said, I know that I still can't overextend myself.  My alternator is still faulty and needs to be replaced.  I just need to be aware of my limitations.

This season is a reminder to be Grateful, Compassionate and Hopeful.  These are the attributes that will get me through the times when I'm not feeling the best.

As I face this holiday season, I promise to embrace the spirit of the season now and through out the coming year.  To give thanks for my blessings, share Goodwill with all and share of myself.